If ever there were a supreme court for Crimes Against Music, there's absolutely no doubt whose annoying punchbag of a stupid face would be first in the gallows. Akon is truly the Slobodan Milosevic of 'urban' music, and has the kind of face you could never tire of beating with a baseball bat. (Don't think for a minute that Will.i.am has got away with it, mind - he'd be right behind him in the dock.)

Let's examine his track record. Well, things actually started fairly promisingly. 'Locked Up', with its gritty depiction of life behind bars, was a credible enough hip-hop track, given extra hotness by Styles P's added verses. Akon came as a kind of modern version of Warren G; he sang, but he was still 'hip-hop'. Similar things with 'Ghetto', a highly acceptable follow-up. Oh, how he duped us all.

Then we got 'Lonely'. What the f*ck?  Did Akon hit crack overnight?  This marked a musical shift akin to Billy Ray Cyrus making an album with MOP. I well remember a comment posted on a website forum at the time. 'He cannot be serious', wrote a bemused hip-hop fan simply. Apparently he was. There was worse to come.

'Beautiful', 'Right Now (No No No),', 'Dangerous' ... where will it end?  All are fit only for thick, 'X Factor'-watching, fast food-eating lobotomised morons to recite at their local Karaoke nights in between 'You've Lost That Loving Feeling' and 'Agadoo', and would sound equally at home on a crap package holiday in Benidorm. 'Una Paloma Blanca's more hip-hop than this disgusting drivel. And that whiny nagging voice!  Aaaaaargghhh!  Pass me the claw hammer now!

You'd think that was all bad enough. Let's not forget the fact that this the man that gave the world T-Pain. That justifies being sent to the seventh circle of Hell in itself.

Akon now has as much to do with 'urban' music as Aqua, as such gets the biggest hoof imaginable right up the jacksie. It might even improve the voice.