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Pulling the wool from your eyes on the world of celebs

By Ewen Ramsbottom | 02 August 2010
In a new feature, Black Sheep Ewen Ramsbottom gets low down, dirty, and downright disrespectful on the celebs we love to hate ... or is it the other way round? Here's what's been getting under his fleece this week.

 

Jay and Beyonce, Nas & Kelis, Ike & Tina. Now Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats have become the latest celebrity couple to tie the knot. This could all be the basis of a fascinating board game franchise, a kind of Hip Hop Monopoly. 'Proceed to Go becomes 'Join the Freemasons and enjoy wild fame, fortune and riches.' 'Go to jail, go directly to jail' becomes 'get knocked the fuck out by your violent, unhinged psychotic hubby'.  'Collect £500 from each player' becomes 'Take your hubby to the cleaners and rip him off for every last cent of maintenance.' It's a game of chance. 

 

New claims that Michael Jackson fathered a secret love child have emerged from a woman named Mocienne Petit Jackson. Ms. Jackson was previously known as Mocienne Petit Presley, Mocienne Petit Lennon and Mocienne Petit Marley. 

 

So, the UK's Taio Cruz and Tinchy Strider have joined Diddy's revitalised Bad Boy camp in the US. Let's recall a few of Diddy's former artists: Notorious BIG - murdered. Shyne - went to jail for nine years. Mark Curry - bankrupted; later wrote a book detailing the oppressive Bad Boy regime. Craig Mack - broke; working in McDonalds.

Good luck, fellas.

 

Nas says he does not regret his four-year marriage to Kelis, despite being hit with crippling maintenance bills to keep her in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed.

Neither does Kelis.

 

Rappers do it in style. Russell Crowe struck a hotel employee with a desk phone when he got pissed off. At least when Foxy Brown assaulted her Brooklyn neighbour she had the good taste to use a Blackberry.

 

Poor old Bushwick Bill of Houston crew The Geto Boys. After securing his place in the 90s boom-bap movement with classics like 'My Minds Playing Tricks On Me' he's had to wait a full 15 years before making the headlines again ... and then only through facing deportation on immigration issues.

 

N Dubz' Tulisa has fallen victim to vandals following the briefest of appearances of her new home on a Channel 4 documentary. This was a truly disgraceful and thoughtless act that shows there is no justice in the world. Why didn't they target Dappy?

 

Fat Joe is back with a banger, 'I'm Gone', featuring a classic head-nodding beat from DJ Premier. It's an incredible six minutes long. Joe spends the first two rapping, and the next four in a foul-mouthed Mel Gibson-style rant moaning about his many haters. What does a man who released 'What's Love?' expect?

 

Usher's been criticising R&B singers like Jay Sean and Taio Cruz for being 'gimmicky'. Coming soon, Usher's new album, "The Pot And The Kettle.'

 

'Twilight' actor Robert Pattinson, (no, we'd never heard of him either,) has seemingly adopted the hip-hop-style nickname of R-Pattz, presumably inspired by the likes of J-Lo and K-Fed, (and Subo, come to think of it.) Commenting on his acting inspirations, Pattz praised his heroes Al-Pac, Kev-Spac, J-Nick and D-Wash.

 

US president Barack Obama promised 'change'. He just didn't make clear that it meant things would get even worse than under Boy Bush.

 

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