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Sheep shizzle - dropping more dirt on the world of celebs

By Ewen Ramsbottom | 08 September 2010
The recent Take That reconcilliation, (rightfully taking precedent in the news over the continued bloodbaths in Iraq and Afghanistan, poverty, famine, priestly child abuse and the environmental doomsday in the Gulf Of Mexico) offered an opportunity for Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow to compare the respective sizes of their bloated middle-aged rubgy balls of heads. Thank God Robbie still has the chimp mouth, or we truly wouldn't have been able to tell them apart.

 

Former Happy Mondays performing fool and narcotic receptacle Bez has been jailed for attempting to strangle his fiancee. The fact that he could remember who she was is testament to the remarkable progress Bez has made in his rehabilitation programme.

It's been revealed that the makers of The X Factor have been routinely using Autotune to tidy up contestants' vocal performances. Great. We all enjoyed The X Factor for the cutting-edge, radical and credible outlet for the music industry it was. Now it's just ruined.

Close friends and family feared for Timbaland's welfare last month when the super-producer went missing after apparently being the victim of a robbery. Tim was saved from driving his car off a notorious suicide spot only by the fortuitous location of a series of doughnut and hot dog stalls en route. 

"Super" "Producer" Solar continues to amaze the world by remaining alive. When quizzed in interview a few weeks back about the universal hate campaign against him and the alleged threats of violence, Solar replied "nah, nothing's gonna happen." We didn't realise that he was talking about his subsequent career.

(And we know Solar reads everything written about him on-line, so hi Soley!) 

We were excited to hear that Cheryl Cole has been offered a princely sum to strip to her undies for Playboy magazine. Then we remembered she's from Newcastle. She does that on any given Saturday night out. 

Birdman says 'Lil Wayne is the next Michael Jackson'. He also says Father Christmas lives in a grotto at the bottom of his garden with fairies, Shergar, the wreck of the Titanic and Lord Lucan, bless him. 

Raekwon shocked his hardcore hip-hop followers this month by announcing he and Kanye were making a record with Justin Bieber. This has paved the way for Shabba Ranks and Buju Banton to announce a new collaboration with Gary Glitter and Jonathan King. They'll be battling it out for the Christmas number one with Mobb Deep featuring Cliff Richard. 

Accusations of masonic and Illuminati imagery in his videos continue to plague Jay-Z. Hove pointed out that all the symbols had been used by artists before; the rolled-up trouser leg came from LL Cool J, the eye-patch from Slick Rick and the headless chicken from Ozzy Osbourne. 

Up to two million people in Britain may be facing extra tax demands following a computer cock-up at the Inland Revenue's HQ. Big deal. Wayne Rooney was charged an 'ugly tax' by the prostitute he visited while wife Colleen was pregnant. The poor bastard's broke. 

Further grotesquely inhumane torture methods have been exposed at US-controlled jails in Iraq. Repeated plays of 32 looped bars of Nicki Minaj are now to be outlawed under international humanitarian law. 

Wyclef and Sean Penn have continued their very public confrontation over the issue of the Haitian presidency. Wyclef revealed that Penn's mother was so ugly that hotel managers use her picture to keep away the rats. Penn retorted by alleging Wyclef's mother was so poor that when he saw her kicking a cat along the street he asked her what she was doing and she replied "moving." 

Wyclef won the argument by reminding Penn that he used to shag Madonna.

 

 

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