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REAL celebrity drama; Sheep Sh*t is back!

By Ewen Ramsbottom | 20 October 2010

Chewing more cud than your favourite porn star, Ewen Ramsbottom dishes fresh droppings on some celebrity faces of choice.

Lady GaGa has announced she fears assassination by a deranged fan, just like "her idol" John Lennon. An international campaign to have Mark Chapman freed on day release is underway.

Rihanna made the cover of Billboard magazine in the US this month. In the accompanying interview she hit out at other artists who "all sound the same and are so boring." Rihanna lives in a glass house which shows significant signs of stone damage.

Meanwhile, Rihanna, Lady GaGa and Beyonce all courted controversy this month when it was alleged that each of the artists' new videos contains subliminal images depicting everyday life, cunningly hidden among the Masonic and devil worship scenes. Satanists worldwide are said to be outraged.

Roc-A-Fella Records co-founder Kareem 'Biggs' Burke has been arrested as part of a major bust on a drugs racket in the US. According to police, Burke was arrested along with 42 other people, and had been operational in the criminal gang since 1992. Nice swift police work there then. Reportedly, Burke had fallen out with fellow Roc-A-Fella pioneer Jay-Z. Jay had a quiet word with the police commissioner at The Lodge at the weekend, and hey presto.

The most effective home security unit on the market has been introduced. The revolutionary alarm system blasts out Miss Info's Celebrity Drama Report at top volume. In tests, the shrill tones perforated eardrums, induced tears and caused convulsions in subjects from as far away as 500 yards. Seven dogs died.

Alicia Keys has given birth to her and Swizz Beats' first child together. Alicia allegedly resisted naming the boy after one of her favourite rappers on the grounds that announcing "the arrival of 50 Keys" 'might have given some of Swizz's associates the wrong idea.

T.I.'s talking down of a potential suicide jumper from a building in Atlanta last week failed to gain him any leniency from the Judge who this week sent him back to jail for a further 11 months. 'If I'd known that I'd have let the bastard fall,' said T from his cell.

A survey has revealed that 'Is T.I. in jail?' has replaced 'is the Pope Catholic?" in everyday parlance.

Nicki Minaj has sacked Diddy/ Sean Combs as her manager after an alleged fall-out over his level of commitment to her career. Diddy was previously criticised by Tupac (dead,) Suge Knight (endlessly jailed,) the Notorious BIG (dead,) Shyne (endlessly jailed,) Loon, (converted to Islam, dropped out of game,) Mark Curry, (divorced, broke, clinically depressed,) and Craig Mack, (collecting trolleys in Wal-Mart car park.) Combs, last seen beheading a goat and bathing in its its blood while dancing naked around a campfire in a remote forest and sticking pins into a wooden effigy of Minaj, was unavailable for comment.

Kanye West is continuing his promotional campaign of releasing a new track every Friday until the end of the year, giving rise to a new expression, 'OFIF' (Oh, fuck, it's Friday.")

The UK grime scene and the BBC are collaborating on a new cast of characters for the CBeebies childrens' channel. 'The Adventures of Tinie, Tinchy, Teenie and Weenie', set in Bow, debuts in the new year.

Soul singer Solomon Burke, the original performer of 'Everybody Needs Somebody To Love', has died aged 70. 70 in soul singer years is the equivalent of 110 in everybody else's.


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