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Sheep Shizzle - dropping mo' dirt

By Shaun Shearer | 20 April 2011

In a surprising act by a US artist of acknowledging that there is actually life outside of the United States, (even though most Americans still think 'Lon-dih' is a country), Snoop Dogg has dedicated his new track 'Sweat' to everyone's favourite incestuous 13th cousins Prince William and Kate Middleton, claiming it was inspired by the news of their upcoming wedding. It's tragic that so much time and attention is still going towards such a tired, outdated institution that has absolutely no relevance to anyone's lives in 2011. But enough about Snoop Dogg.

 Lady Gaga says in interview she's 'like John Lennon'. Oh, I get it. Similar to how George W Bush is like Martin Luther King?  Some have speculated that she means she fears assassination. Indeed, many cutting-edge musicians who have truly influenced a generation in a highly prolific way by articulating a meaningful voice for the people have been taken out in this way ... so there's absolutely nothing for Gaga to worry about. 

Gaga is still benefitting from the controversy caused by her wearing that infamous meat dress last year, of course. Can't help thinking it would have been even more outrageous if she'd given a nod to vegetarians by stepping out in a nice Quorn and tofu number. 

Pitbull has drawn stern condemnation from police following a horrific incident at New Brunswick University in New Jersey, where he was performing. The event descended into violence following a riot, allegedly caused by excessive underage drinking, which left two people shot and several others injured. Fans of Pitbull, (both of them, in fact) have been quick to point out that he cannot be held responsible for the unfortunate events. I beg to differ, however, since listening to Pitbull's music invariably turns me from a placid, reasonable well-balanced individual into a rampaging psychotic hell-bent on murdering somebody. Mainly Pitbull. 

No matter how bad life gets it could always be worse. You could always be Conrad Murray. As if being vilified by legions of Michael Jackson fans for knocking off their hero, (Cover Story No 292b,) and joining Lee Harvey Oswald, Henri Paul and Osama Bin Laden in Great False Flag Scapegoats I Have Known - reports now emerge that Murray was apparently distracted by his 'complicated love life' during Jackson's final days. Prosecutors claim he was phoning and texting three women, two of whom he had met in Las Vegas strip bars. This would make ol' Con a real player ... if it weren't for the fact that real players don't get caught, let alone incur the wrath of millions in the process. 

Piers Morgan and Russell Brand together in a studio. A great TV interview, or a missed opportunity? 

'Ecstasy leads to brain damage, says new report.' So does watching Britain's Got Talent, drinking soda, listening to Akon, watching BBC news, NHS vaccines, dropping depleted uranium on civilians in Gaza, Afghanistan and Iraq, and fluoride in the water, but I don't hear calls to ban any of them. Strange, that. 

N-Dubz fashion icon and ladies' favourite Dappy was recently mugged whilst on a night out at a swanky London nightspot, where he was relieved of £10,000 worth of jewelry. When they noticed what he was wearing, however, the thieves promptly gave it back. They even gave him an extra couple of quid to spend in the next-door charity shop, and 50p for a bowl of soup. 

Petey Pablo, still more famous for his cameo on Ciara's 'Goodies' than any of his solo efforts, still faces up to ten years in jail for attempting to board a US flight on September 11th last year with a handgun and ammunition in his carry-on baggage. In his defence, ol' Pete claimed that he'd come straight to the airport from comforting a distressed friend from whom he'd taken the gun. He then 'forgot' he'd put it in his travel bag. 

Petey's declaration is reminiscent of similar claims from other persecuted individuals. Fred West claimed his daughter was playing hide-and-seek under his patio when he accidentally filled it in, Harold Shipman claimed his optician gave him the wrong glasses causing him to misread the dosage instructions on pill bottles, while Tony Blair and George W Bush justified invading Iraq by claiming Saddam Hussein had Weapons of Mass Destruction. 

You couldn't make it up.

 

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